I Understand You.

Have you ever had someone say “I understand you.” And the words resonate deep within your soul? It’s rare to be fully understood but when you find a person that you believe does, you go for it.
That’s what happened with him.

The moment I met him I thought he could look deep into my being. But sometimes what you think is not reality. And having someone who claims to know you and still accept you is addicting.

“I understand you.”

He says as he kisses my lips and pulls me close to his body. His thoughts and passion for me reckless with each word that leaves his mouth. 

“I understand you.”

He says as he cradles me and I tell him about my past, my most shameful moments, my secrets, my vices. He smooths my hair and wipes my tears, making promises for the future. It’s all going to be okay.

“I understand you.”

As he grabs my hands and twirls me in the kitchen. We waltz from the fridge to the patio and fall over in a fit of giggles. 

“I understand you.” 

As he sends me music that I’ll like and sings my favorite lyrics to me. He sends me quotes that inspire and describe his love for me. He knows everything about me and still adores me. I know it’s rare to find someone like that.

“I understand you.”

As he goes missing for days on end but in reality his time is being spent with someone else, inside someone else. But he tells me he is busy, he is stressed, it’s not a big deal. I believe him (I don’t). I stay (I shouldn’t.)

“I understand you.”

He says as he grips my neck and throws me to the floor. He kicks me in the stomach and then in the back and leans over and punches my jaw. He tells me I’m nothing without him because he is the only one that will understand. 

“I understand you.”

He says as he apologizes for last night. He ices my bruises and kisses my back. It was a moment of weakness. He’s ashamed and since he understands me, he knows why this is hard for me. But it will never happen again, he promises. Hilary, do you understand?

“I understand you.”

He explains as he justifies why I need to be put in my place. Don’t I know that I need a strong man like him since I am a strong woman? I’m nothing without him. No one will understand my core like him. I believe. I stay. 

“I understand you.”

He says as he backhands my face and then screams in it. He runs his hands through my hair only to get a good grip of it before pulling me across the floor as I yell and struggle to be free. This is not the same waltz as before. I’m starting to understand this is not okay. The promises are empty. I’m struggling to be free. 

“I understand you.”

And you understand me, he says. So you won’t leave me because you know I can change. You know what I do isn’t right but sometimes you just really test my temper. You test my boundaries, he explains. 

“But I understand you!”

He pleads as I pack my things. He only remembers the good and blocks out the bad. He remembers the intimacy, the depth, the laughter. I can only remember the evil in his eyes, the terrible words he said, the marks he left on my body and the weakness he fed in me. I walk to the door and look back at him. This broken, monster of a *man.

*boy

And I say, 

“I don’t understand you.”

6/30/17 HK

Born a Flower

“You’re as pretty as a flower.”

I’ve heard that a few times.

I want to tell them that this flower has had to start over and blossom over and over again.

My petals have been plucked and torn off.

My stem has been clipped.

But we all know that a flower can not die unless it’s pulled from it’s roots.

My roots are strong. You instilled these roots in me.

Because of you, I am still alive. I am still blooming.

-HK 4/30/17

 

Fire Signs

We are both fire signs.

I, Aries 

He, Leo

But to start this fire inside me all it took was the spark in his eyes, no lighter, no match.

The scary thing about fire is when combined it is a beautiful danger.

The heat can save a life or destroy it. 

Burns are hard to get rid of.

There’s a reason why my momma always said, “don’t play with fire, don’t play with fire.” 

With you, I’m playing with fire. 

-HK 3/25/17

Describe Me

“Describe me,” you say.

“Describe this. Describe us. Describe what’s going on here. Describe so I can understand.”

Sometimes I’m not good with words. Sometimes I can’t have a normal conversation and discuss normal emotions but I will do my best to describe for you.

This is like…. buying a brand new car. 

The outside is freshly painted. It has the brand new smell. It’s the giddiness and butterflies you feel about the car finally being your own. The seats are comfortable and mold to your body shape. You picture yourself on a summer day with the windows down, just you and the car.

You look at the car salesman nodding that, “yes! yes! This is THE car!!” And right as you start it up, you go to put your seatbelt on. 

But no matter how hard you try, it won’t click. The buckles won’t fit. You try over and over and no matter what you do, the seatbelt does not work.

So you start to rationalize, “who really needs a seatbelt, anyway? Who needs a seatbelt when everything else about the car is THIS nice!?” So you wrestle with the idea of buying the car anyway. 

However the realization sinks in that the car would be perfect most days even without a seatbelt, but upon impact, you’d be fucked.

That’s the best I can do to describe my feelings for you.

-HK 3/2/17

Love is not a Checklist

Growing up I believed (and was told by many) that love would be found if every checkbox would be marked off of my checklist. 

And as I sit across from you, I go through my own personal list:

Success, check.

Kind, check.

Honest, check.

Older, check.

Attractive, check. 

Motivated, check.

Confident, check.

And the list continues as I go through and check each thing off. On paper, you’re the type to bring home to momma, to have a life with, you know, the guy that would never hurt me…

But as I look over my long list of check marks , knowing that the “perfect” person is sitting right in front of me….I feel nothing. 

I still don’t love you. 

Riddle me that.

-HK 3/1/17